Sunday, May 21, 2006

My Canadian Nightmares #2




...In the same alternative universe as before...an NDP majority government...




"Good afternoon citizens. I'm Peter Mansbridge. We interrupt "David Suzuki - 'Global Cooling and Its Cause: Global Warming" with live coverage of the Fedaral Budget."



"Good afternoon. I'm pleased to present the Federal Budget. You know, we've really outdone ourselves this year and do you want to know why? I'll tell you why! We went to the YOUTH for ideas! This is definetly a first! Very progressive indeed!"




"You know, some have said that we need to find out from ALL Canadians what matters but I think the youth has the ideas we need this time around. Anyone who thinks otherwise must be wrong. And don't get ME wrong, we asked UNIVERSITY youth what is important to them and they know what Working Families, Seniors, and Students want don't they? Yes, of course they do."



"So, for these anouncements, my finance minister Alexa McDonough will show what these fine youngsters want and then tell you what we've done to listen. Sound good? Good...Alexa, it's all yours!"



"Thank you Jack. I love you. So, first, we asked a youngster from McGill what she thought was important. Here's what she wrote. Svend...the video please..."




...



"Yes...we know far too many Working Canadians, Students, and Senior Citizens are busy and may not be able to care for their kids and really, who are WE to question priorities. And EVERYONE should receive Universal Child Care. It's only fair isn't it? Yes, it is. So, we've allocated 48 billion dollars to set up more Prime Minister Jack Layton Child Drop Off and Early Education Development Facilities for our goal of having one in every town and city in Canada. We've also finally banned private child care clinics because they are, in fact, not fair."



'applause'



"Thank you, Jack. In the words of the great Brian Adams, "everything I do, I do for you."And, well, Working Families, Seniors, and Students. How fitting a song from a Robin Hood movie, you know, taking from the rich and giving to the poor, made me think of you. Fitting indeed."




'applause'




"OK, Svend, video two please..."




...



"Years and years of environmental breakdown due to SUVs and Industry have caused us to spend tax dollars on cleaning up our environment. So, we're banning all forms of home heating and we're spending 255 Million on synthetic envoironmentally freindly blankets that will be distributed to all Canadians this winter. Also, we've banned all forms of pesticides and all fruit and vegetables will be organic. Really, how big do your apples have to be! We're giving 700 million dollars to the David Suzuki Organic Fruit Fields of BC to grow and subsidize his fruit farms. Finally, we've banned all cutting of any trees anywhere. We're going to spend 3.5 billion dollars on infrastructure so that roads can GO AROUND any trees as required. You can email me for our 75,000 page document on Cleaning Up YOUR Environment for Working Families, Seniors and Students for everything we're going to do."



'applause'

"Svend..."



"oops...sorry...wrong folder..."




'laughter'



"here we are..."




"First, corporate tax cuts. We are ending all corporate tax cuts and signing a bill to end any cuts FOREVER. Really, why do these corporations need break? Eventually all of these are going the way of the dodo if WE have anything to do with it. The only good corporation is no corporation, isn't it? Yes, it is. So, these corporations, until gone, will have taxes increased 400% in order to pay for a variety of arts and cultural programs...things that are REALLY important to Working Families, Seniors and Students. I mean, we really SHOULD be more artistic hmmm? You can read more about this in the Canadian Reniassance Arts Project (CRAP) section on page 39,022 of our Financial Universality for Canada Today, FUCT for short, document."



"And no more free trade. We are getting out of NAFTA because we don't need to trade with THEM, at least not for free. THEY can pay for our goods if THEY want them. Really, what has free trade done for us? Nothing. If THEY don't like it, THEY can trade with someone else. "Free Trade" indeed. The only thing that SHOULD be free is healthcare, childcare, seniorcare, education, feminine hygene products and food for Low Income Working Famlies!"



'applause'



"I like this next one, EVERYONE will LOVE this next one..."




...



"Yes. The justice system needs to change. We need to develop more of an understanding of the root causes of criminal behaviour. We need to spend more money on re-education and councelling programs. We all know so-called "criminals" all have SOME good in them. That's why we're closing all penetentiaries and jails. We'll be using exisiting Wal-Mart buildings, when Wal-Mart becomes illegal in Canada, as mass councelling centres. When all these "criminnals" finally appoligize and own up to their misdeads, they'll be released back into society. And so not to hurt their feelings, incarceration will be limited to 3 weeks. If we can't do anything for them, well, we tried! We're allocating 8.9 billion dollars to hire new graduates in Social Work from our new state-sponsored "Law-Abiding Deficiency Understaning" program offered at all Ed Broadbent University locations across the country."



"As for our military, all Perform And Protect forces (PAP) squads will be leaving their posts around the world. We don't NEED to be anywhere else in the world UNLESS Kofi commands us to. Remember, what Kofi and the International Community THINKS is more important than anything else. The Minister of Foreign Affairs, Pacifism and Arts and Culture, his Excellency and highly regarded Global Icon and King To Be, BONO, has called Kofi to ensure our troops are back in Alberta to deal with some misgivings there as soon a possible."




...



"Mmmm...Rockstars. And this brings me to something serious. Some in Alberta have had a problem with the PAP as our military. A smear campaing has been launched by an unsavoury few and the PAP will be there soon to make sure this campaign isn't elevated. Let me be clear...THERE WILL BE NO PAP SMEAR IN ALBERTA!"



'applause'





Svend...




...



"Yes...free school. From now on, every family in Canada will be subject to a new tax called the Jack Layton Education Tax. Starting, ohhh, tomorrow, Canadians will have 8% more income tax added. This will ensure that Students get all the free education they need! Most of these new taxes will go to pay for more Socially Friendly courses at all Ed Broadbent University locations across Canada. Some of these programs include Arts, Music, Culture, Green Green Green, Labour Relation Law, and Socially Responsible Political Studies. What does this all mean? No more student loans! The kids don't want to be responsible for paying their way, why should we?"




'applause'





"OK, we have one more to go, an all-uncompassing theme that underline what this government is all about...Mr. Robinson..."




...




"Word Up Beeotch!"




'laughter'



"Seriously though, and we are serious about these things aren't we? Yes, we are. That's what this government REALLY IS all about...taking care of Working People, Seniors, and Students...from cradle to grave. From the time you let out your first cry in one of your local Tommy Douglas Medical Centres to your first look at the Jack Layton photograph in your pre-school Universal Day Care Drop Off and Social Development center, to your first, and last, unionized job at a David Suzuki Organic Wheat Germ Refinery to your death bed at your local Universal Retirement High Rise in Scarborough, you'll know that you're taken care of by us. We know what's good for you don't we? Yes, we do. And we have your money to help us. Our new spending should reach, oh, somewhere around 840 billion. dollars, but we'll get it somehow. From you. Thank you."



'applause'




"To finish I present to you the Almighty King To Be, BONO, who will sing our new national anthem followed by his version of "We Will Rock You"... a kind of serenade to the "opposition conservatives". Bono..."




...




"And there you have it. 'We will rock you' indeed. We now return you to David. I'm Peter Mansbridge."

4 Comments:

Blogger The Sm'allards said...

Love It! Pure brilliance... and why not free school and everything for everybody really...

T

10:02 AM  
Blogger Albertan Technophile said...

Hehehe, thats some funny! Mind if I link to it?

2:54 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Link all you like! Traffic is a good thing.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Albertan Technophile said...

Hope your host can handle the MASSIVE traffic I sent you...


*cricket chirps*

8:47 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home