The New Captain Canuck - Vol 1 # 2

Friday, January 20, 23:17 EST...Somewhere in Quebec...

"Canuck here...Bonjour...My Values are Your Values...how can I help?"




"Captain Canuck! This is Kofi. Is this line clean?"




"Clean as Hudson's Bay Kof! What's going on?"






"I'm afraid I have some bad news regarding our arrangement with Mr. C."






"Oh..NO NO NO! Goddammit Kofi! What happened?!" I was counting on him!"







"I'm sorry, but he's had to go to a very dangerous, poor country to ensure the folks there have a truly democratic vote. He's had to leave the comfort of his home for us Captain Canuck! We are SO grateful for his charity! Stop being so selfish!"




"...everything to your liking Mr.Carter?"
"...no, it ISN'T! This Filet Mignon is raw! Cook it, will you! Good Lord! Is this how you treat EVERYONE?"
"No sir...right away sir..."




"I'm sorry Kof...but..I...I'm...I'm almost at my wits end here! There's only this weekend to go. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO SAVE THIS COUNTRY FROM CONSERVATISM!"






"Listen...I have some information you may want. Mr. Harper has been invited to Crawford, Texas this weekend to go on a fishing trip with HIM. It seems to be a weekend off before the election of "Rest and Relaxation".





"NO SHIT?!??"





"Yes shit. Perhaps you can use your special Captain Canuck Technology to get pictures of them or film them together and make it look like a new chapter of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy".






"Pictures are out. ANY fine looking thirty-something Canadian male can manipulate photos on the computer these days...but the secret filming...THAT'S THE TICKET!"





"Excellent...I'll send the private jet to pick you up at four this morning. You'll be in Crawford by mid-morning. Think up a plan to see HIM and Mr. Harper together."






"We'll do Kofi...thanks a bunch! Canada will thank you!"







"Oh, I know you will..."

Saturday, 11:12 am...Crawford, Texas.

"What? WHO'S here to see me? It's almost fishing time Don! Oh, alright, send him in"





"President Bush! I am Captain Canuck! I need to speak to you and the others here about a matter of national security!"





Good LORD! Who the hell are you supposed to be. This is the funniest thing I've ever seen! And what's this about national security? What the hell does Canada know about national security?!?! Lord...DICK, GET IN HERE AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!





...




"Wha...Christ all mighty! What the hell are you supposed to be! What's with all the bloody red?"







"Dick...this here is Mr. Canada...he's here because of a "national security" issue! Isn't he the funniest thing you've ever seen?"







"Almost...and what the hell does a Canadian know about national security?"








"That's what I said!"








"heh...I gotta go tell Rummy about this. Talk to you later Mr. Canuckistan"







...






"OK...seriously, what's all this about national security? You didn't catch us marching into British Columbia to steal your fresh water for our golf courses did you?"







...







"Nah...I'm just kiddin again...we wouldn't actually march! But seriously, what's going on."







"Well, this is a very important announcement and I need to see EVERYONE here TOGETHER!"







"Well, I'm afraid the only ones in the building right now are Dick, Rummy and me. The others are down at the guest houses getting changed for fishing. And I'D like to get dressed TOO, so WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?"








"Shit no Harper in SIGHT!" WHAT WILL I DO? THINK!"







"Huh?"







"Nothing, look, I...wait...Hey is that YOUR hat over there..."







"You bet! Beauty huh? Keeps the sun outta your eyes real good."






"I bet!! Hey...can I...








"Sir...sorry to interrupt, but that twit Bono is on the phone...says it's "Urgent" as usual."








"Alright...I'll be right back Canada, hold tight..and Dick, get the check book will you? Eventually it'll "be enough" for the turd."







"I've got it!!!!"







"if i take HIS hat and get it into Harper's office...I can make an anonymous call to CBC to do an investigation on why Harper has HIS hat in his office! After the people see this, they'll REALLY think there's a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and forget all about "fishing trips"!





"Thank-you Bono! Thank you King to Be for distracting HIM!!!! MAN, I LOVE rockstars!"







...






...and into the drawers...








"HA! I will WIN. The election will soon be min...er The Illustrious Prime Minister of Canada's!!"







"Sorry about that...so...tell me, what's the emergency?"







"Oh...while you were gone, I, err, got a ummm call from Kofi and he said we could look at this problem next week...as a global thing..."






"Kofi huh? Well, alright! Whatever you think Mr. Canuck! You and Kofi are the heroes I guess!"






"It's Captain Can...nevermind...I gotta scoot Mr. President...Canadians need me for other emergencies! Take care sir!"







"Alrighty! Take care of Canada eh? HA!"






"Oh, I WILL. HAH!"







"Well, that was a Twighlight Zone morning!"








"Mr. President...ahhh...nice...the freak is gone...Mr. Harper is ready to go to creek...Mr. Harper come on in."







"Hello Mr. President. I'm ready to go!"








"Well alright Stephen! Grab your hat and we'll go on down!"







"Mr. President, my hat seems to have gone missing."







"Really? Hey, you're RIGHT! Only mine's there! I'll be...I wonder..."







...






"This strange guy just left a minute ago. He asked me about the hat. Oh, and he was from Canada as well!"






"Really. What was his name?"





"HAH! Get this...Captain Canuck! He had these red clothes all over him! He was the funniest looking thing I've ever seen! Damn, I should have asked him to stay for a beer with the guys!"







"Did you say Captain Canuck?"






"He did."






"He did. Captain Canuck eh? What are you up to Captain Canuck? What are you up to?"

To be continued...maybe...