My Canadian Nightmares #1
In some twisted future...
"Good evening...I'm Peter Mansbridge. We interrupt the "Susan Aglukark and Rita MacNeil Canadian Folk Song Sing-Off" for an important press conference called by Prime Minister Jack Layton. We're told the Prime Minister is making an announcement on his overhaul of the Canadian Military. Sources belei...Oh...here is the Prime Minister. I'm Peter Mansbridge."
"Good evening. First, I want to just say that I'm so happy to finally represent the people. You know, it sure is great to finally work for you. Now, I want to tell you about how I've overhauled our military to make it more, well, peaceful and universal."
"You know, the world has to know that Canada is a peaceful and progressive nation. We need to keep our happy faces shiny and show our perceived "enemies" and those who may have a beef with us that VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER! We can't be offensive...we must be PEACEKEEPERS. You know, working families deserve better. Better healthcare, education AND a military that can HELP and understand the root causes of the "enemy"."
"Last week, I was watching a dancy thing on TV and I just about spit out a mouthful of chardonnay when I saw the idea in front of me on the screen! The next morning, I made a phone call and set things in motion. In two weeks from now, Canada's military will take on a new look and form. A more PROGRESSIVE military that uses violence only in the rarest of circumstances. Our new military slogan is Perform and Protect...PAP!!!!
"Barb...has he friggin lost it? Did he just say PAP??"
"That's right everyone! PAP! And do you know what we've done to implement this plan? We're getting a group together...a SPECIAL group. A group that will GROW and become more world-renowned than they already are!"
"Canada, I give you your new military..."
"The Cirque du Soleil...and here they are...the marching band!"
"Aren't they great? Perform AND Protect!"
...
...
"OK...I know you have plenty of questions and I really DO have all night, so, fire, err..shoot...ummm ask away!"
"Prime Minister Layton...how exactly DOES Perform and Protect work?"
"Well, it's easy really. We all know that, for all our "enemies", there are some deep-seeded root causes for why they don't like us. I mean really, violence won't solve anything! Will it? No, it won't. So, what the Cirque will do, is entertain or "Perform" for the enemy to both make them FEEL better and take their mind off the deep-seeded root causes! And for "Protect", if things do get out of hand, and the "enemy" has had a bad day, the acrobatic skills of our brave soldiers will cool them off in the most non-violent way possible!"
"What about equipment? Personnel? How will this all work? Isn't this group strictly entertainment?"
"Well, that's what I thought...but I talked to my new advisor and he thought that if I really pressed the issue with the Cirque, things would go along great!"
"New advisor?"
"Yes! That's my other announcement! BONO has graced me with the pleasure of using his knowledge of all things worldly! Bless him!"
"But back to your question. I've brought some photos of equipment and personnel. I'll be happy to go over them with you with Mr. Bono."
...
"Everyone loves a rockstar! Ok...here we go...photo #1..."
"First off, you know how greenhouse gases are destroying the earth and I can't stand for that! That's why we've taken all the older ground transports, tanks, and anything else using gas or diesel and replaced it with these wonderful environmentally friendly bikes! See! He's got a big stick to make the "enemy" think twice about getting snarly! And SEE him perform on one tire? Isn't he something?"
"...And not only that, we've developed a new water based system to be operated by our acrobats. This system uses really long pogo-sticks...NO FUEL. And remember...these acrobats have been training long and hard to do this. Just remember, don't let the kids try anything like this at your government-run child care drop-off location! We still have a few months to get the deep sea version of the stick, but we're training more acrobats AS WE SPEAK! Look at them! Look at them span the St. Lawrence! Aren't they great!"
"We haven't developed any human aircraft yet...I'm going to try to get the world to understand that not only space is bad for weapons, but so is the lower atmosphere! But if I can't get the world to listen, I guess me and Bono will have to think of something!"
...
"OK...on to personnel..."
"These fine people are in their new Peacekeeper uniforms. They are non-confrontational and a little humorous...just the kind of thing that may, just MAY make the "enemy" smile and forget about causing a ruckus. Don't they look smart?"
"Next, these people are showing the "enemy" how flexible we Canadians are in understanding their grievances! I'm hoping to get the UN to designate this as the universal pose of peacekeeping. In working person Canadian terms, the pose means, "hey, we're flexible, wanna chat about it?"
"Camouflage can be important, so we've developed a camouflage uniquely Canadian!"
"Umm...Mr. Prime Minister...isn't camouflage supposed to protect personnel instead of define them as unique?"
"What...have you got a problem with something being uniquely Canadian??? What...are you here from Fox News or something or a crony of the American conservative movement? What are you trying to say here?"
"Nothing sir, I just thought..."
"Well, we're being UNIQUELY CANADIAN with this new camouflage so the "enemy" knows who we ARE! OK? *sigh* Next..."
"Here, we have a member of our infantry unit holding our new weapo...I mean...self-defense apparatus. It's a water balloon filed with cold water. If the "enemy" gets wound up, the soldier can throw the balloon at the person to cool him or her down. And get this...the water will EVAPORATE in most places allowing it to be recycled into the atmosphere!"
"Finally, if things get way too heated with the "enemy", some of our highly trained martial arts personnel may need to come in and, well, subdue someone. We hope it NEVER, EVER, EVER comes to this, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want - like shop at that corporate bully Wal-Mart"
"So, anymore questions?"
"Ummm...yes...this all has to go through the parliamentary process of getting OKed, correct?"
"Yes..that's true. We know it will pass, but in case it doesn't, we do have a backup plan."
"A back up plan?"
"Yes..."
"We'll call in the Queens! They'll deal with things just as efficiently!"
...
"Led by BONO of course!"
...
"Anything else?"
"...un-be-liev-able..."
"No? Alrighty! Have a great night and remember who loves ya!"
"And there you have it folks...PAP...I'm Peter Mansbridge. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. I'm Peter Mansbridge."
"You know, the world has to know that Canada is a peaceful and progressive nation. We need to keep our happy faces shiny and show our perceived "enemies" and those who may have a beef with us that VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER! We can't be offensive...we must be PEACEKEEPERS. You know, working families deserve better. Better healthcare, education AND a military that can HELP and understand the root causes of the "enemy"."
"Last week, I was watching a dancy thing on TV and I just about spit out a mouthful of chardonnay when I saw the idea in front of me on the screen! The next morning, I made a phone call and set things in motion. In two weeks from now, Canada's military will take on a new look and form. A more PROGRESSIVE military that uses violence only in the rarest of circumstances. Our new military slogan is Perform and Protect...PAP!!!!
"Barb...has he friggin lost it? Did he just say PAP??""That's right everyone! PAP! And do you know what we've done to implement this plan? We're getting a group together...a SPECIAL group. A group that will GROW and become more world-renowned than they already are!""Canada, I give you your new military..."
"The Cirque du Soleil...and here they are...the marching band!""Aren't they great? Perform AND Protect!"......"OK...I know you have plenty of questions and I really DO have all night, so, fire, err..shoot...ummm ask away!"
"Prime Minister Layton...how exactly DOES Perform and Protect work?""Well, it's easy really. We all know that, for all our "enemies", there are some deep-seeded root causes for why they don't like us. I mean really, violence won't solve anything! Will it? No, it won't. So, what the Cirque will do, is entertain or "Perform" for the enemy to both make them FEEL better and take their mind off the deep-seeded root causes! And for "Protect", if things do get out of hand, and the "enemy" has had a bad day, the acrobatic skills of our brave soldiers will cool them off in the most non-violent way possible!""What about equipment? Personnel? How will this all work? Isn't this group strictly entertainment?""Well, that's what I thought...but I talked to my new advisor and he thought that if I really pressed the issue with the Cirque, things would go along great!""New advisor?"
"Yes! That's my other announcement! BONO has graced me with the pleasure of using his knowledge of all things worldly! Bless him!""But back to your question. I've brought some photos of equipment and personnel. I'll be happy to go over them with you with Mr. Bono."
..."Everyone loves a rockstar! Ok...here we go...photo #1..."
"First off, you know how greenhouse gases are destroying the earth and I can't stand for that! That's why we've taken all the older ground transports, tanks, and anything else using gas or diesel and replaced it with these wonderful environmentally friendly bikes! See! He's got a big stick to make the "enemy" think twice about getting snarly! And SEE him perform on one tire? Isn't he something?"
"...And not only that, we've developed a new water based system to be operated by our acrobats. This system uses really long pogo-sticks...NO FUEL. And remember...these acrobats have been training long and hard to do this. Just remember, don't let the kids try anything like this at your government-run child care drop-off location! We still have a few months to get the deep sea version of the stick, but we're training more acrobats AS WE SPEAK! Look at them! Look at them span the St. Lawrence! Aren't they great!""We haven't developed any human aircraft yet...I'm going to try to get the world to understand that not only space is bad for weapons, but so is the lower atmosphere! But if I can't get the world to listen, I guess me and Bono will have to think of something!"..."OK...on to personnel..."
"These fine people are in their new Peacekeeper uniforms. They are non-confrontational and a little humorous...just the kind of thing that may, just MAY make the "enemy" smile and forget about causing a ruckus. Don't they look smart?"
"Next, these people are showing the "enemy" how flexible we Canadians are in understanding their grievances! I'm hoping to get the UN to designate this as the universal pose of peacekeeping. In working person Canadian terms, the pose means, "hey, we're flexible, wanna chat about it?"
"Camouflage can be important, so we've developed a camouflage uniquely Canadian!""Umm...Mr. Prime Minister...isn't camouflage supposed to protect personnel instead of define them as unique?""What...have you got a problem with something being uniquely Canadian??? What...are you here from Fox News or something or a crony of the American conservative movement? What are you trying to say here?""Nothing sir, I just thought...""Well, we're being UNIQUELY CANADIAN with this new camouflage so the "enemy" knows who we ARE! OK? *sigh* Next..."
"Here, we have a member of our infantry unit holding our new weapo...I mean...self-defense apparatus. It's a water balloon filed with cold water. If the "enemy" gets wound up, the soldier can throw the balloon at the person to cool him or her down. And get this...the water will EVAPORATE in most places allowing it to be recycled into the atmosphere!"
"Finally, if things get way too heated with the "enemy", some of our highly trained martial arts personnel may need to come in and, well, subdue someone. We hope it NEVER, EVER, EVER comes to this, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want - like shop at that corporate bully Wal-Mart""So, anymore questions?""Ummm...yes...this all has to go through the parliamentary process of getting OKed, correct?""Yes..that's true. We know it will pass, but in case it doesn't, we do have a backup plan.""A back up plan?""Yes..."
"We'll call in the Queens! They'll deal with things just as efficiently!"..."Led by BONO of course!"..."Anything else?""...un-be-liev-able...""No? Alrighty! Have a great night and remember who loves ya!""And there you have it folks...PAP...I'm Peter Mansbridge. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. I'm Peter Mansbridge."
posted by Kevin at 5:30 PM
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